Having gone back to the Mac, I'd forgotten, really, just what a miserable puking monstrosity Microsoft Windows actually is. Recently I attempted to install a fresh copy of XP on a recent-model computer, using the utterly proper, authentic software install disks that came with the computer, together with installing a new wireless network card. I will never forget what garbage Windows XP is ever again.

Despite being a full-time, 100% Macintosh user, I did have a pretty nice Dell Dimension 8300 sitting around, my very last designed-for-Windows PC before I returned to sanity as a Mac person. All I wanted to do was to reinstall Windows XP on it, and add a standard-issue wireless network card. This should not have been a difficult process.

So I plugged in a USB keyboard, a mouse, stuck the Windows XP CD that came with the 8300, started the computer, and pressed the spacebar when it said "Press any key to boot from the CD."

And it booted from the CD. So far so good. As it entered the Windows installer, I found that the keyboard no longer worked. Apparently the Windows Installer application doesn't recognize USB keyboards, although the computer itself did just fine. So when the time came to press "Enter" to "Install Windows now", it acted as though there was no keyboard at all.

I tried rebooting and experimenting with some settings in the BIOS. Nothing seemed to work; about the only thing that happened was that the keyboard wouldn't even work before the Windows installer appeared.

So I ransacked the closet and found a standard PS/2 keyboard, and then started all over again. Time wasted: about a half-hour.

This time I got to the full installation, and after a while the Windows installer had reformatted the hard drive and had installed Windows.

Except that I needed to check on it from time to time, because the Windows Install process actually stops right in the middle of things and asks you for information. Why can't it ask for all of that stuff at the beginning so you don't have to sit there staring at it? Brain-dead design. But that's nothing compared to what happened next.

The installation having completed I rebooted into Windows. But it wasn't really installed fully. The video was stuck at a basic 800 x 600 resolution, the sound didn't work, and neither the wired nor the wireless network cards were even recognized. And the Taskbar was throwing a barrage of stupid messages at me every few seconds. Do I want to take a tour, do I want to do this, do I want to do that. It never asked the one question it should: Do you want me to leave you alone?

I have enough experience to deal with a lack of drivers for various hardware, so I had to find the "Drivers" disk that comes with a Dell Dimension. This proved to feature an awkward HTML-based interface, but at least it sort of worked. I was able to install a chipset driver, and then a network card driver. Both wanted to restart as soon as I installed them. I said "no" and started installing the video card driver so I could see the 21.3" screen at a higher resolution than 800 x 600. However, the video card driver installer program (from ATI) crashed upon launch.

So I restarted. The wired network card now worked and I guess therefore the chipset driver was installed. The video was still stuck at 800 x 600, and there was no sound, and the wireless card remained unrecognized. Little irritating 'messages' kept popping up from the Taskbar. The fact that the wired network card was working was of no import because I wasn't plugged into a cable; I wanted to use the wireless connection. Why was this proving so bothersome?

Frustration levels were rising but for the moment I was still reasonably calm.

I decided to attempt getting the wireless network working, and then I'd be able to go to the ATI website and download the latest video drivers. So I put in the CD for the new wireless network card (Linksys, pretty standard). However, the CD Autoplay feature didn't work, nor did the "Setup" program on the root of the CD work when I double-clicked on it; it just sat there. I rooted around on the CD and found another "Setup" program buried a few folders down, and it worked on double-clicking. After a seemingly-endless round of clicking "Continue", the wireless network card was, amazingly, installed and starting working immediately.

However, it wouldn't authenticate onto my home network with my Apple Airport Extreme, which uses the latest form of security, too sophisticated I guess for Windows. I used my Macintosh to check around about Windows XP and Airport Extremes and discovered that I needed an update from the MS Windows online site.

Frustration levels went up a notch.

I figured I'd use the Macintosh to pick up the updater, copy it to a CD, and then install it on the PC. However, Microsoft's web site will no longer let you download stuff like that: you have to prove via software that you're running a genuine copy of Windows. Since this was Mac OS X "Tiger" 10.4, obviously they weren't going to let me do it that way. So I had to use the PC; but I couldn't log on to my home wireless network because the stupid wireless software wasn't sophisticated enough to work with an Airport Extreme.

Frustration levels went up another notch.

Fortunately one of my nearby neighbors has an unsecured wireless access point, so with a feeling of distinct guilt I used it (since there was no security involved, stupid Windows could deal with it), and went to Microsoft's site to get the appropriate file.

Getting the download involved having the web site check my computer to make sure I was running an authentic version of Windows (which meant I had to install something that the web site wanted to install.) It seemed satisfied that I was genuine so it allowed me to download a small file to the desktop.

Double-clicking the file to install it revealed that it would only install on Windows XP with Service Pack 2 installed (my install disc only gave my Service Pack 1).

Frustration levels went into the yellow zone, or thereabouts.

So I started figuring that I had to install Service Pack 2. So I went to the Windows Update site. Before Windows Update would even work, it required me to download some sort of tool or another, then reboot *again*, after which I tried the Windows Update site again.

And then it put together a list of about 35 some-odd updates I absolutely MUST have RIGHT NOW. So I sighed and started downloading.

A way into the long process, the download stopped and then something started installing itself. However, it stopped and said: This requires Service Pack 2. That's precisely why I was doing this in the first place -- except that Service Pack 2 was nowhere on the list of software to be installed, and the whole thing had just stopped cold.

So I hunted around for Service Pack 2 on Microsoft's website. And I couldn't find it, except for constant links to the Windows Update site, where I had begun. The whole thing was turning into a Catch-22 of appalling proportions.

Frustration levels hit the red zone. I was a good three hours into this process and I still couldn't authenticate to my home network, nor did I have proper video resolution or sound. And there were still a ton of terribly urgent, absolutely-must-have upgrades to download (all of them "security" issues to paste Band-Aids over Windows' execrable security).

And why was I doing this? Just to have a Windows PC around in the very, very unlikely possibility that I might absolutely NEED to use something that wasn't available on the Macintosh. Just a simple matter of reinstalling XP on the machine and getting it back to 'factory' settings. Ha!

At that point I reached behind me and yanked the power cord out of the wall. The computer went beautifully blank, suddenly and marvelously. I do not plan to ever start it up again. I put the Dell Dimension 8300 into my storage room.

And there it will stay.

And I ain't doing Linux, either. Life is short and precious. I will not waste it twiddling around with open-source stuff.

For the record, not too long ago I reinstalled OS X on an iMac that I was selling to a friend. I got the installer going (a simple matter of pressing 'C' while booting and clicking the appropriate buttons on the installer), and then went away. When I came back it had completed the installation and everything worked properly. I turned it on, it found my wireless network, I gave the password, and then it installed a few updates. My total personal supervised time in the process was about 10 minutes. No headaches, no frustration, no Catch-22.

May the Macintosh live long and prosper!